"Stop Being A-Holes to Babies" July 8, 2017
Older lady siting next to me is irritating me. We’re about to take off and she just hung up the phone and in an exasperated/annoyed tone said “I saw a bunch of babies get on board, we’ll see what happens.”
I’m officially tired of people complaining about babies on airplanes. I’m so sorry that a tiny person is in pain or upset while you relax trying to read your in flight magazine, lady. Just the fact that you are reading your in-flight magazine already means you are ill-prepared for travel. Nobody reads that garbage unless you have no other options. It’s like when you have the watch the awful movie the airline is playing, produced by the WWE because you forgot to bring a laptop or a good book.
Think about this. Back there, in row nine, there are parents that have to sit on either side of that tiny little screaming monster doing everything they can to make him happy. All the while, knowing surrounding passengers are judging them and annoyed. Being up here has GOT to be easier than being back there. Be grateful for that. And when you get off the plane you won’t have to carry that baby off with you and raise it to be an adult. Let’s give them a break.
Then the older lady turns to me and says. (It’s funny I keep wanting to write “old lady” but I change it to “older lady” because it sounds nicer. But truthfully she’s a shitty old lady).
Anyway, she turns to me and says, “I really hope there are no more babies.” And I say “Yes, but wouldn’t that mean the eventual extinction of human kind?”(Ya know cuz I’m always on.) No response. Confused look. I keep staring at her until she looks away, now moving on to read the brochure that tells you what to do if land in the water and survive. Which has happened so rarely they made a movie about it that time it did. Plus, if you're going to make conversation on an airplane there are certainly more interesting things to talk about. North Korea has created a missile that can reach Alaska and Hawaii, the polar ice caps are melting, is this really a good use of time to try to recruit people into your baby-hating gang.
Also for a few bills you can get baby cancelling headphones that work like magic. If I worked for Bose I would find some way to hire crying babies on airplanes to sell noise cancelling headphones in between tantrums.
And besides, it’s not like you have no connection to that little person screaming back there. After all, you USED TO BE A BABY! You’ve been there. Sure it was 100 years ago and no one complained about your crying while traveling because they couldn’t hear it over the clip clop of the horse’s hooves running in front of the buggy.
This, by the way, is exactly why I don’t get annoyed at loud drunk people. Because I know I used to be one of them. And that’s why when I’m flying to Vegas or Mexico I wear my drunk people cancelling headphones.
Also, let’s think about this. That baby is crying for some reason. He’s not crying simply to annoy you. That would be crazy. Maybe his tiny ears are exploding in pain from the pressure and he’s scared. The adults are well aware that these seats are about to go from zero to 500 miles per hour and the room is about to tilt at a 45 degree angle leaving the earth behind, but the baby hasn't been debriefed. Imagine if while you were flying the plane just dropped from the sky and plummeted toward the ground, without anyone warning you. Then let's see who is screaming and crying. Or maybe he’s hungry or his iPad is dead. And I do get it. You are super old. No offense meant by that but, the point is that being old you know what it’s like to be helpless at times. That’s how this baby feels. That’s how his parents feel. All you have to do is read your Alaska Airlines magazine. It’s really not that bad. You’re the one that didn’t bring headphones, a book or empathy.
I’d rather hear a baby crying on an airplane than an old lady complain about a baby crying on an airplane. At least the baby probably has a good reason and doesn’t know any better.
And screw you lady for making me write this and think about how I'm missing my son's soccer game in Alaska. I WISH I had my crying baby next to me. I could try to make him stop, comfort him with a hug or a questionable dose of NyQuil.
Also, if a baby is on a plane there MUST be some reason. Right? Maybe their going to visit a grandparent they’ve never seen before, maybe the parent wants to give the rest of the family a once in a lifetime vacation and wants them to be there, even if they won’t remember it. Believe me, if there was some way to NOT have the baby crying on the plane next to them the parents would have chosen and preferred that. Like leaving them home with someone or if sending them in the belly of the plane in a crate was legal.
My wife, @jessicalissow, has travelled with all three of our kids (ages 8,6 and 2) countless times. So far, THIS YEAR, they went from Fairbanks, Alaska to Vegas and back. Fairbanks to LA and back and Fairbanks to Seattle and back. I may even be forgetting one. And for 2/3 to 3/3rds of those trips I wasn’t even there to help. (Because they were coming to see me while I was working, or I was wearing my Bose noise cancelling headphones.)
Through her travels she’s found some people have been cool, but others have been rude and judgmental. One lady was so rude, it was infuriating. A whole story for another time. I'll just say, if you just wrote the c-word on an envelope and mailed it, it would probably go right to this lady's house. And my wife is travelling with these three kids so they can come see their dad because he was to work away from home a lot and they all miss each other.
So, I would like to say to YOU, Old Lady, what YOU are basically saying to that little HUMAN BEING back there:
Stop being a baby.
That’s all I got. Thanks for listening.
"Vegas has the LAZIEST Homeless People" July 1, 2017
I'm currently in Vegas headlining the world famous Laugh Factory in Las Vegas. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty cool seeing your name up there in the lights right next to David Copperfield and thousands of random breasts.
Rob Schneider is actually here this weekend too at the Trop too! So it will be really cool to watch all the crowds peek into my showroom as they decide to go to his theater show instead. I'm super excited and I'm sure he will sell out and on the flip side my crowds will have lots of room to stretch out and relax. In all seriousness it's been absolutely packed, even on the Mondays and Tuesday shows.
I've been thinking how lazy you have to be to be homeless and jobless in Las Vegas. After walking down the strip and seeing a few homeless guys and gals holding up cardboard signs begging for money seems crazy when in Vegas you can actually get paid to hold up signs that just say other things, like the name of a strip club or a bar. You can also get a job handing out small cards with pictures of girls on them. And the qualifications for this job seem to just be that you're willing to stand in the way of pedestrians and be on at least two different types of drugs.
It's been 107 degrees all week with isn't as bad as it seems if you just look at it from inside your hotel room out the window.
We have two more shows tonight through Sunday. I would love to see you there if it makes sense geographically.
"Why I Look Tired" May 2017
I just returned from a productive trip to LA doing the final re-shoots for Real Rob Season 2. It's a long trip from LA to Alaska, but it's always worth it. On that note, I'm tired of people always telling me I look tired. Of what benefit could that insult possibly be to someone? Who doesn't already take every opportunity they get to nap or sleep already anyway? Even my 6 year old daughter told me I looked tired yesterday. I'm going to stop carrying around this blanket and teddy bear.
For those of you who missed my hundred or so annoying tweets and Facebook posts, Season 2 of RR will be out later this year on Netflix. Season One of Real Rob, with guest stars including David Spade, Norm MacDonald and George Lopez is streaming on Netflix now if you want to catch up. Also Norm's new Netflix special is genius and everyone should watch it.
I'm adding some stand-up dates to the calendar including the always fun Laugh Factory in Las Vegas June 26-July 2. My whole schedule is here.
If you want to check out the seven episodes of the iQuit podcast with guests including Nikki Glaser, Ron Bennington, Jesse Joyce, Rob Schneider, they can be found on the podcast page.
To prove what I look like here's a short clip from my appearance on the Greg Gutfeld show earlier this month:
Please remember to check back here every two to three years for more updates.
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